I’m no stranger to late night thoughts. The gentle tugging of introspection takes hold of me as I lay awake. I learned a long time ago from when I was learning to meditate just to observe the thoughts as they ebb and flow. What I’m noticing is that now that I left my home state a few years ago, I’m finally untethered by those that had made it a hobby to hurt me. I do not have to dread the interactions fueled by constraint.
It started with a choice at age 17 that this will not be the plot of my life… a choice for more. And in that choice I’ve moved in daily. It has been painful and often lonely because not all make that choice for themselves. I’m 35 now, and I’m proud of that choice all those years ago.
I grew up the oldest of four, and as the oldest came responsibility and immense pressure to perform to exceedingly high expectations with little support. I was the support. A key detail is that my custodial parent was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The outbursts would come frequently and unpredictability. I advocated for myself and my siblings. They got the most protection. I attempted to get my parent help, but I was the only one trying. I noticed something was wrong when I was nine years old and it just kept compounding and getting worse.
I decided that I was at a breaking point and moved in with family from my then church. I spent my senior year of high school in a new town, with new people. And this was when I started my journey into the realm of being content in uncomfortable feelings. It was my season to start fresh and at ease. I know what it is like to have to build a found family. I like that I always instinctively knew there was more to life. I’m glad I kept going, because there is always a choice.
Meagan Muses 